If we’re taught not to feel bad—when feeling bad is the normal and natural reaction to a grief-producing event—it makes it almost impossible for us to access healthy guidance to go through grief, rather than trying to bypass it by going over, under, or around it.

The first thing we must do if we want to deal with our grief effectively, is to allow our grief to exist by acknowledging it, and by communicating openly about it to people with whom we feel safe.

Overcoming Grief And Then Dealing With Unresolved Grief

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. The range of reactions and emotions in response to grief-producing events is as wide as there are people on the planet. It is said that “Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace.” We agree.

But experiencing grief, even in our own way and at our own pace, is not the only issue. For example, when someone important to us dies, or when we get divorced, we are always left with some things we wish had been different, better, or more; and with some unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

Those six words:

• different
• better
• more
• hopes
• dreams
• expectations

These are the keywords that can help us discover what was left emotionally incomplete for us as the result of a death, a divorce, or any other loss. We call those unfinished or incomplete things Unresolved Grief.

The Hardest Part About Overcoming Grief Is That We’re Taught That It’s Too Difficult

When we first coined the phrase Grief Recovery more than 30 years ago, many people said, “I didn’t know that recovery from grief was even possible.” In fact, many people believed—and some still believe—that once stricken by grief, it is a permanent condition. That’s just not true.

The actions of the Grief Recovery Method that help grieving people deal with their unresolved grief are very accessible to anyone who’s willing to take those actions. They are relatively easy to do, even though we might think that they are hard because we were never taught they exist or how to do them, and because we may have believed the myth that grief is permanent and recovery is impossible.

Invest An Hour Of Your Life To See If  You Can Overcome Your Grief

If you’re willing to invest just a bit of time reading one section of The Grief Recovery Handbook, you’ll discover for yourself that overcoming grief is possible.

Here’s an offer you can’t refuse: go to your local library or bookstore and find a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read the first 58 pages [Part One]. When you’ve read just that section you will either know and believe that recovery is possible, or you will still think that you can’t move beyond your grief. In any case, you will have invested only an hour of your life to find a crucial answer that can change your life for the better.

Photo courtesy of SteveW. Creative Commons License

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The second in the series highlighted the uniqueness  of  all relationships and pointed out that even though there may be parallels among grieving people, no two grief experiences are ever the same.

In the third part, we talked about the national and international tragedies that grab our attention, tear at our hearts, and remind  us that we must cherish every moment we have.

Support for Grief—Defining Loss as Change

Since death and divorce receive so much support and attention, the impact of many other losses is often overlooked. Today we’re going to shift our focus from death and divorce, to some of the 40 other life events that can produce feelings of grief.

The  definition of grief from The Grief Recovery Handbook explains what constitutes a loss:  “Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.”

The key word in the definition is “change.” With that in mind, when we tell you that one of the most hidden losses is moving, you now have a frame of reference about why it can be so emotionally affecting.  Even moving from a small house to a larger one, or to a better neighborhood, doesn’t override the emotions caused by the end or change in what has been familiar for you.

Another major loss that people are usually unaware of is the result of what most people think would be a positive and happy experience—winning a major lottery.

Yes, winning the lottery has destroyed many lives. Why? Just think about our definition  of grief. When you win the lottery, everything familiar  to you changes, not only how others see you, but how you perceive yourself. It is our inability to deal with change that can most affect us.

Grief, as we define it, is about dealing effectively with the inevitable changes that affect our lives. The ultimate support for grief is the by-product of learning what grief is and isn’t and learning that recovery is possible. There are many resources for recovery at www.griefrecoverymethod.com, including a Grief Recovery Specialist finder that can help you locate help in your community.

Photo courtesy of: The Creative Commons

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Many of us struggle with the horrifying images burned into our consciousness by the relentless  TV coverage of that day, and since. It’s nearly impossible to eliminate those images from our memory bank. With them come the fear built into the obvious conclusion that something horrible could happen to any of us, or to people we love. As a result, we are all left with compound losses of safety, trust, and control.

The Boston Marathon Bombing Reminds Us of Our Past Losses

I appeared on CNN in the week after President Reagan died. Just before we went on the air, Anderson Cooper asked me over the headset if there was anything in particular I wanted to talk about. I said ,“Yes, I’d like to talk about the fact that many people will be thinking about people from their own lives who died recently or even a long time ago, and about divorces and other sad events.”

After a brief pause, Cooper asked, “Is that why ever since President Reagan died, I am constantly thinking about my father who died and my brother who died?” I said, “Yes.” And he said, “Do you mind if we open with that?” The interview was devoted to the emotional byproduct of a major event like the Boston Marathon bombing, brings loss and grief up to the surfaces of our hearts and minds. If that has happened for you, and if you were concerned about it, please let it be okay.

How to Deal with your Emotions

Rather than hide your thoughts and feelings, we think it is far better to share them with people you trust. Like Anderson Cooper, you may be surprised to learn that people you know  have had similar responses, and that they welcome the opportunity to talk about the people from their past and about the emotions attached to them.

Photo courtesy of: Aaron “tango” Tang

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Today we’re going to shift from comparing the various types of support and focus our  attention to our collective societal reactions to major tragic events in the news.

A Different Kind of  Support for Grief—In the face of Tragic Events

Beginning in 2001, when Andrea Yates drowned her five children in Houston, and later that year in the aftermath of 9/11, we began using the phrase, “Because We Are the Family of Humankind.”

Sadly, we have felt compelled to use that phrase several times since, on the occasions of the Columbia Space shuttle disaster; the Indian Ocean Tsunami, and most recently the Newtown, Connecticut massacre and the Boston Marathon bombings.

We use it as a title or subtitle in the articles we write that represent our collective grief in response to either natural or man-made disasters that affected us all. Even though the overwhelming majority of us did not know any of the victims or their families or friends, we were touched to our emotional cores.

In the news

Tragic events in the news evoke our own personal history of the sad and painful experiences that have caused us to feel sad, hurt, lost, or scared.  Going inward to our own sense of grief and loss is a normal and natural reaction to the horrifying images we see on TV and in print.

There is no virtue in events like the Newtown massacre or the Boston Marathon bombings. There is only the accidental by-product which reminds us that we must live every waking moment of our life with gusto, with honesty, and with passion, because we have no guarantees that we will have another moment beyond this precious one.

Photo courtesy of: Aaron “tango” Tang

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In Part One, we made a general distinction between bereavement groups and structured groups, with each providing different kinds of support for grief. We talked about the fact that bereavement groups generally create a safe environment in which grieving people can talk openly about their thoughts and feelings after the death of someone important to them.

On the other hand, structured groups like the Grief Recovery Method Outreach program, present a recovery-based system of actions aimed at guiding grievers to discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished for them as the result of a death, a divorce, or other kinds of losses.

Another distinction between those two main types of groups is that many bereavement groups are limited to people who are dealing with a death, and are often organized around a specific loss, like death of a spouse, or death of a child. Grief Recovery Outreach groups are not limited to death, or even divorce, and include all grief-producing losses.

Support For Grief: All Relationships Are Unique

There’s an incorrect notion that only people who’ve had the same experience as you can understand your grief. There are two major flaws in that idea. One is that there ever is a “same experience.” Since all relationships are unique and all grief is individual, no one ever has the same experience. Yes, there may be people who can relate to your experience, as you might to theirs, but that’s where the parallel ends.

The second flaw is the idea of anyone understanding your grief. Grief is a feeling, not an intellectual concept that can or should be understood. Even when you understand what caused the grief or why it happened, the emotional impact is not lessened.

On the positive side, we appreciate the fact that bereavement support groups can provide a valuable service to those people who feel tremendously isolated after a death. In addition to having a safe place to talk openly without being judged, grievers can gain a lot of practical guidance in learning to adapt to the changed circumstances of their life following the death.

But open sharing of feelings and learning how to deal with life are not all that’s needed. The missing element is the discovery and completion of what was left emotionally incomplete by the death or divorce or other loss.

The best example we can give is to tell of two widows who attended one of our Grief Recovery Outreach groups. One of the women described the wonderful—but not perfect—relationship she’d had with her husband for 40 years. The other woman told a miserable tale of a stormy relationship clouded with alcohol and mistreatment, also over a 40 year time span.

It’s easy enough to recognize that while both women were widows, they had nothing more than that fact in common, and that neither of them could really “understand” or relate to the other. But even if both had had warm and fuzzy relationships with their spouses who had died, they still wouldn’t be connected to the uniqueness of the other’s relationship.

So while support in the form of a safe place to talk about our emotions and to learn tools to adapt is fine, it doesn’t replace the need to take actions of completion based on the title of this blog:

“All Relationships Are Unique; Therefore All Recovery Is Individual.”

Photo courtesy of: The Illinois Urban Landscapes Project

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Support for Grief: Drop-in Bereavement Groups

The most well-known of the two major types of support offered for grief is called a Bereavement Group. Those groups are typically offered by churches or synagogues, and sometimes by funeral homes or hospices. They are open to people who are dealing with a death, rather than divorce or other losses. They are generally operated on a drop-in basis, and are often facilitated by a therapist or social worker who maintains order and helps people express themselves. There are also Divorce Support Groups which focus on that loss.

The need for support groups is based on the fact grieving people often feel isolated in society. They sense that many people are afraid or unwilling to talk to them, and even avoid them. They sometimes feel that others who have not experienced a parallel loss just don’t understand what they’re going through, And finally, they seek a safe, supportive, non-judgmental atmosphere in which they can talk about what they’re experiencing.

Those groups are usually referred to as “support groups,” and as such, provide a valuable service to grieving people who are reeling in the immediate aftermath of a major grief-producing loss.

Grief Recovery Method Outreach Program Groups: Structured Support for Grief

There are other groups that offer a different format beyond basic support. Rather than being primarily focused on providing safety to verbalize feelings about the loss, and to share problems and issues of adapting to life changes, these groups provide a structured program aimed at recovery or completion.

The best known of this type is the Grief Recovery Method Outreach Program, which uses a long-established format based on the principles and actions of The Grief Recovery Handbook. The Outreach Program format offers a series of small and correct actions that help grieving people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished for them by the death of someone important to them. Or, in the case of divorce, the death of the relationship and with it the hopes, dreams, and expectations for a future together that will not happen.

The Grief Recovery Method Outreach Program differs from traditional bereavement support groups in several ways. One primary difference is that the Outreach program is focused exclusively on recovery from grief, rather than mainly providing a place to share feelings and ideas. Another is that the program is sequential and is presented over a period of weeks or sessions which are facilitated by Grief Recovery Method Specialists. If you’re interested in finding a Specialist in your community, click here.

Summing up:

Bereavement groups tend  to have wonderful short-term value for grieving people to help them battle the sense of isolation that often accompanies their grief. Grief Recovery  Method groups help shift the focus of grievers from grief to recovery. Both are valuable.

Photo courtesy of The U.S. National Archive

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Much of what we know about loss was taught to us by our parents. Those ideas we learned became part of our belief system. Unfortunately, our parents weren’t working with the most accurate information on this misunderstood topic. You can read about the grief myths here.

As a parent, there are ways to make sure that you pass along healthy, useful information to your children about grief. Whether their first loss is something tangible, like the loss of a pet, or something a little less tangible, like the loss of trust in a sibling or parent (very common as a first loss), there are ways to make sure your child doesn’t feel isolated in their grief. Read on for some quick and easy tips.

Helping Bereaved Children

#1 -Learn to know what to look for in your child

As the parent, you will learn how to identify a loss issue in your child. When Children Grieve will shed light on many types of losses, not only death. A few examples of other losses children might experience are moving, divorce of parents, or loss of trust in a friend or family member. Very often these losses go unnoticed as grieving experiences. The emotional energy trapped inside the child can lead to problems in school as well as in other areas. You should be able to identify possible grieving experiences that your child has had and then help them say goodbye to what was unfinished in their relationship with the person or event that they’re grieving over.

#2 – The illusion of protection

Sadly, loss will touch the lives of all of our children. As parents, we try and protect our children at all costs. In trying to shield them with little or no information about the loss, we often confuse our children, and unknowingly teach them to distrust their intuition. Children are very intuitive and when your verbal and non-verbal language do not match up, they already know that you are omitting or editing the truth. This lack of information can actually feed the child’s imagination and make matters worse. We’ll go into details on this very important topic and give you some guidance on age-appropriate information depending on the circumstances of the loss.

#3 – Myths about Grief

While growing up, society passes on some very unhelpful tools to deal with grief. Ultimately, these tools end up supporting the idea of stuffing down every loss you’ve ever had. We go into the subtle ways that we unconsciously pass these myths along to the next generation. Make sure you do not perpetuate these myths to your child!

#4 – Get practical tools to help your child

This book is not just theory based or something to read and simply put back on the shelf. There will be exercises and actions that you and your child can take to help heal your hearts. These actions have helped thousands of people for over thirty years and you will have access to all of them in When Children Grieve.

#5 – This book will help you too

Children watch us and follow the leader. One of the best things you can do for your child is make sure you are emotionally complete with any past losses in your life. They will ultimately learn almost everything they know about grief from watching you. If you cry and immediately run to your room and close the door, they will learn to grieve alone as well. If you “stay strong” for your children, they will learn to stuff feelings down and show no sad emotions.  To help them effectively you must be the leader.

“There isn’t anyone in life who hasn’t experienced some kind of loss. It’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our sadness and that practical, easy-to-read, thoughtful help is available by way of Russell Friedman, John James, and Leslie Landon Matthews’s gentle insights on the pages of When Children Grieve. Thank you, Neighbors, for your obvious care.”

Fred Rogers
Producer/Host of “Mister Roger’s Neighborhood” and honorary chairman of the Caring Place

Click here order When Children Grieve now

Photo courtesy of: D. Sharon Pruitt

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Do

• Go First. As the adult, you are the leader.
• Tell the truth about how you feel. It will establish a tone of trust and safety. Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual, and that sad or scared feelings are normal reactions to all loss events.
• Remember that each child is unique and has a unique relationship to what they hear and believe about loss.
• Be Patient. Give your child time to formulate opinions. Make sure to plant healthy ideas about talking about feelings.
• Listen with your heart, not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed, without judgment or criticism.

Don’t

• Don’t Say “Don’t Feel Scared.” Fear is the most common response to loss, for children and adults.
• Don’t Say “Don’t Feel Sad.” Sadness is a healthy and normal reaction to loss.
• Don’t ask your children how they are feeling. Like adults, fearful of being judged, they will automatically say, “I’m Fine, ” even though they are not.
• Don’t act strong for your children. They will interpret your “non-feeling” as something they are supposed to copy.
• Don’t compare their lives or situations to others in the world. Comparison always minimizes feelings.
• Don’t make promises that you cannot keep. Instead of saying “Everything’s going to be okay,” say, “We’ll do everything we can to be safe.”
• Don’t forget that your children are very smart. Treat them and their feelings with respect and dignity as you would like to be treated by others.

To learn more, please read our book When Children Grieve

Photo courtesy of: Laubenstein Karen, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, Children sit on the beach and watching the horizon with binoculars

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Our only problem with the list is that it is comparative and as such, ranks losses in a hierarchy on a point system. Since we believe all loss is experienced at 100%—even though not all losses are equal—we choose to present the list in the same order as Holmes-Rahe created it; with the only difference being that we omit the listing of point totals for each loss.

We’d like to point out that not all of the life experiences on the list would logically be viewed as stressors or grief or loss events. Note that near the top of the list is “marriage.” While we all know that the wedding day can be stressful, and that marriage is not without problems, we also know it’s often referred to as one of the greatest days of our lives. Additionally, the list includes “change in financial state,” which is not limited to losing money, but includes the impact of a sudden windfall, like winning the lottery.

Our definition of Grief

Those two examples lead us to point out our definition of grief, which is:

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.” We believe all 43 events conform to that definition.

In addition to the life-events listed, we add a few more under the heading of “intangible,” for example: Loss of Trust, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety, and Loss of Control of my body, among others.

Grieving Events

Death of a spouse
Divorce
Marital separation
Imprisonment
Death of a close family member
Personal injury or illness
Marriage
Dismissal from work
Marital reconciliation
Retirement
Change in health of family member
Pregnancy
Sexual difficulties
Gain a new family member
Business readjustment
Change in financial state
Death of a close friend
Change to different line of work
Change in frequency of arguments
Major mortgage
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
Change in responsibilities at work
Child leaving home
Trouble with in-laws
Outstanding personal achievement
Spouse starts or stops work
Begin or end school
Change in living conditions
Revision of personal habits
Trouble with boss
Change in working hours or conditions
Change in residence
Change in schools
Change in recreation
Change in church activities
Change in social activities
Minor mortgage or loan
Change in sleeping habits
Change in number of family reunions
Change in eating habits
Vacation
Christmas
Minor violation of law
Loss of Trust, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety and Loss of Control of my body

Click here to find a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist in your community that can help with any of the losses listed above.

Photo courtesy of Ernst Rosca from Moscow, Russia

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The six myths are:

• Don’t Feel Bad
• Replace the Loss
• Grieve Alone
• Grief Just Takes Time
• Be Strong and Be Strong for Others
• Keep Busy

Keep Busy

Last, but by no means least, on the list of myths is Keep Busy. Nearly every griever we’ve ever met has told us that well-meaning family and friends has given them the advice to keep busy in the aftermath of a loss.

Many people have nearly worked themselves into exhaustion trying to stay busy so they wouldn’t feel the pain that was the normal and natural by-product of the loss that affected them.

We know the primary reason that the myth of keeping busy persists is because it is linked—almost like a satellite—to another major myth, that Grief Just Takes Time or  Time Heals All Wounds. That myth fuels the idea that keeping busy is a good thing to do.

The basis for that dangerous combination of beliefs is the idea that if I keep busy today, then another day will have gone by, which allows the myth of Time Healing to make the pain go away.

Of course that is totally incorrect, as the longer you wait to address the emotions connected to your loss, the more difficult it is to access those feelings. They get tucked away, buried out of sight, but still affecting you even if you’re not consciously aware of what’s going on under the surface.

It’s bad enough that the idea of keeping busy is so inextricably tied to the false idea that the passage of  time can heal anything, but it’s magnified by connection to one of the other myths – the first one, Don’t Feel Bad. Again, if we think we’re not supposed to feel bad—even though feeling bad or sad is the normal reaction to loss of any kind—then keeping busy is another way of trying to bypass the normal feelings of sadness and pain associated with loss.

Here’s another aspect to consider. Some people are busy types, others aren’t. Grief throws off all of our rhythms and patterns. If you give the advice to keep busy to someone who’s not naturally that kind of person, you will have taken them even further out of their own style. With as much change as is produced by the grief event itself, we recommend trying to keep from changing too many other things.

Watch this video about why keeping busy will hurt your recovery

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