Do you struggle with consoling a loved one who lost their spouse?
If so, you’re not alone. It's not easy finding the right words when trying to comfort a widow or widower, especially if you were never taught.
After extensive research spanning 45 years, we discovered that out of 141 statements a widow or widower may hear post-loss, only 19 prove helpful. Most comments widows and widowers receive are not only unhelpful but even hurtful.
If you’ve experienced a painful loss, you know it’s true. Isn't it baffling that our society fails to teach us how to support broken-hearted loved ones? From high school to grad school, how to offer emotional support is absent from the curriculum. Instead, we rely on well-meaning but misguided advice from friends and movies. Consequently, we unintentionally intellectualize grief instead of embracing that it’s about a broken heart. So don't fret if you're lost for words - most people don’t know what to say. ## So, what painful comments do widows and widowers often hear amidst their pain? - Don’t feel bad. You’re young and can remarry. - Be grateful for the many years you were married. - You weren’t married long; it would have been worse if you had been married longer. - Time heals all wounds. - Your husband wouldn’t want you to be sad. - Let’s celebrate her life and not focus on your pain. - You just need a distraction. - Why aren’t you over it by now? It’s been X amount of time. - Throw away all of his belongings so you don’t have any reminders. - Be sure not to throw away any of her belongings because you might regret it. - You just have to jump back in the saddle. - Stay strong for your kids. - It’s time to move forward and go on with your life. - Everything happens for a reason. - Just give it time. - You will never get over the death of your husband/wife. - Grief is your new normal. - God needed another angel in heaven. - At least she is no longer suffering. - Focus on your workout routine. - Throw yourself into work. - You should move. - You should never move. - Grieving doesn’t honor his memory. - She is at peace now. - I know exactly how you feel. - Heaven needed him more.
Why are these common phrases hurtful?
Losing a partner is heart-wrenching. Widows and widowers can’t simply snap out of heartache because they heard a piece of advice. No one has ever thought, “Oh yeah. They told me I shouldn't cry, so now I’m not sad anymore.” Instead, they fight back tears, thinking they shouldn't cry and that something is wrong with them.
Emotional pain is about healing a broken heart - not a broken brain. Many of these comments are logical. For example, if a husband dies after years of a painful illness, such as cancer, although it is logically valid that he is no longer in pain, and although the wife may feel a sense of relief about that, she is still going to be broken-hearted after her life partner dies.
Remember that having a supportive person can make all the difference in their healing journey.
Stay tuned for our next article on how to offer help to a widow or widower. In the meantime, check out some of our other captivating blogs or download