When long-term relationships end due to death of one of the partners, there is an inevitable adjustment to the new reality of life without someone who has always been there. Adaptation to the radical changes in life following the death of a loved one is either enhanced or limited by the ideas that we have learned over our lifetimes about dealing with loss.
There is no doubt that in the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one, pain and confusion are two of the most probable emotional reactions. Even following a long-term illness, where there has been substantial time to prepare, the overwhelming impact of the reality of death is devastating. It quickly becomes obvious that there is no way to effectively prepare for the finality of death. Widow grief or widower grief is very real.
While we recognize that all relationships have ups and downs and highs and lows, for purposes of this discussion, we are focused on long term relationships that were essentially good. Over the course of 30 years of helping grieving people, we have always tried to listen very carefully to what they are saying to us. What we heard were accurate reports of wonderful relationships, yet there was a tremendous amount of pain attached to the memories.
Death of a long term spouse
It is obvious that in the first few weeks or months following a death, a grieving person would be overwhelmed with a level of emotional pain that is difficult to describe. In fact, that kind of reaction is quite normal. Even though we spend a considerable amount of our energy trying to dispel the myth that time heals all wounds, we were confused with the frequency with which we observed people to be in an intense level of emotional pain long after a death had occurred.
It was at that point that we realized that almost immediately following a death, people often develop a relationship to their pain, which sometimes seems to supersede their grief about the relationship with the person who had died. As we observed this all-too-common phenomenon, we realized that many people were inadvertently associating the pain that they experienced and re-experienced, over and over, as an equation for the love they had felt and now missed. We then were able to create some helpful language that simply said pain doesn't equal love, love equals love.
At the same time as we were recognizing the phenomenon that we had labeled as people's relationship to their pain, we began to use a piece of language to help people shift from pain to completion after an emotional loss. One day while talking to a griever on the phone we said, "It doesn't seem right that a relationship that should leave a legacy of love is turning into a monument to misery for you." We have since said that thousands of times, each time with the aim of helping someone break out of their relationship to pain so that they could begin to complete what was emotionally unfinished with the person who died.
The principles and actions of The Grief Recovery Method carry with them three essential objectives:
1) To insure that fond memories do not turn painful.
2) To allow us to remember our loved ones as we knew them in life rather than in death.
3) To be able to have a continuing life of meaning and value even though our lives have been dramatically altered by the death of someone important to us.
The impediment to achieving those three goals is the accumulation of misinformation most of us have acquired about dealing with loss. Reading and understanding this article is only a beginning. Hopefully, you will be inspired to get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, and to begin the series of actions that can lead you to completion of the undelivered emotional communications, both positive and negative, which are part of all relationships.
One of the traps of grief is the almost diabolical speed at which the relationship to pain develops, takes root, and becomes almost permanent. You have probably known someone who has been reciting a litany of pain for years and years. It may have been very frustrating for you not to be able to help them. If you are the friend or family member of someone who seems to have been caught in a web of pain for a long time, show them this article. You might not be able to communicate to them what we have said in this piece. Also, they may not be able to hear you, because you are too close to them. Sharing this article with someone you think would benefit from it may propel them to a new understanding and even to actions for change.
This column is also dedicated to the possibility that someone reading it may be able to recognize themselves in the ideas presented here, and begin a shift to the very real possibility of recapturing the legacy of love that should be the natural by-product of a long term wonderful relationship.
The idea of a legacy of love versus a monument to misery is not limited to marriage and other long-term romantic relationships. The same issues and problems affect adults whose parents die, or siblings of siblings, the end of a relationship, and even very long-term friendships. Therefore, the same solutions from The Grief Recovery Handbook apply.
If you found this article helpful information, we suggest you also read 14 things you should and should not say to widows and widowers
There's a national monument commemorating the death of my daughter's dad. It's in New York City and it's called The 9/11 Memorial.
But, when I told someone that feels like we're honoring only his death, they looked at me as if they thought I didn't know how to be grateful so I stopped talking. Again.
I'm sorry, but that's what it felt like. It felt like the only thing people will see when they look at is a monument to how he died.
I wasn't trying to start trouble. That's just how I felt when I looked at it.
I was grateful it's there though.
Response to Vicki:
I am so sorry for you and your daughter's loss to a depth beyond what words could convey.
I started to become more fully open to what my pastor calls 'the mystery and wonder' when I realized that, the day before it happened to me, I had no idea what devastating grief felt like, and I, too, hadn't any understanding of the grief that other people were dealing with. Even when my father died, I had no idea what that really felt like from my mother's point of view. I may as well have been blind.
I had to let go of the expectation that someone who had never glimpsed that kind of blow to the heart, caused by death of a loved one, is just going to "get it" because I myself was (blissfully) blind to that part of life once, too.
"To those who understand, no explanation is necessary; to those who don't understand, no explanation is sufficient." unknown.
It has been ten years since my best friend and dear husband died. I still love him. I have no desire to remarry because with that decision, I am content with my new normal, the challenge is great but with the strength of my Lord, I have embracesed the process of moving from we to me gracefully.
My husband of 32 years died suddenly 5 weeks ago. The outpouring of love and concern and support from our friends has been amazing. Since we both belonged to several social/ philanthropic groups, I have run across a few people who ask graphic, pointed questions often as a prelude to something controlling and guilt- inducing (example- " My husband had that condition too but we got it fixed with surgery and now he's all better". I'm not sure how they knew exactly how he died but what I need is a way to reply. Help!
Today is the 22 year anniversary of my husband's death. He died suddenly from anafalax from bee stings. We didn't know he was allergic. We had been married 27 years. He was 52 and I was 46..
There isn't a day that passes that I don't think about him and still miss him terribly. I learned to move on but my pain will never go away. At first our friends of 25+ years were there for me but gradually they pulled away. Especially our men friends stopped talking to me. Some of the women acted like I was a threat to their marriages because we were all close. There wasn't ever any jealousy when he was alive. Everyone went on with their lives and found myself lonely and alone.
One piece of advice I can give is if a friend dies stay in touch with the widow/widowers. It really hurt me that they pushed me away. I thought we were friends forever. I eventually moved away, or you might say I ran away. I needed a new environment to help me where no one knew about my life and loss. I eventually learned to move on but will never forget the love of my life.
I still cry sometimes after 22 years . Some happy memorable years and some feelings of sadness. Has anyone else experienced this with people you thought were your friends for life? I was talking to a girlfriend who I was close to us one day and she said to me that her husband; who was my husband's closest friend, found another friend that took my husband's place. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest and we've not spoken since.
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