A Grief Support Blog

This blog will allow you the opportunity to acquire both support and guidance after experiencing a significant loss.

14 Things You Should (and Should Not) Say to Widows and Widowers

  • Feb 03, 2015
  • Allison James Henry
  • 81 comments

Do you know someone whose spouse has died?


Have you ever wondered what to say to him or her?


If so, you are not alone. We live in a society where death and grief are off limits topics; so most people were never taught what to say to the widowed. Even worse, most people were taught that sad feelings should be avoided at all costs. When they come across someone whose spouse has died they try to find a positive spin, fix them, or offer advice that doesn’t work.

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Did you know that 85% of things people say to the widowed are not helpful?

Recovery from grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. The more often people attempt to fix widows and widowers with intellectual comments and advice the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.


Here are 11 things not to say to a widow or widower:

1. Be grateful for the time you were married

2. You’re still young. You can always remarry

3. You must stay strong for your children

4. Don’t feel bad, your husband is no longer in pain (if he died of an illness)

5. Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’d want you to celebrate her life

6. Everything happens for a reason

7. This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby

8. Make sure you donate all your husbands’ stuff to charity. You don’t need any reminders of him

9. Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff. You will regret it.

10. It just takes time

11. I know what you’re going through (then start talking about your own loss)

 

Although some of these statements might be intellectually true, they are aimed at the head, not the heart, so won’t help someone who lost his or her life partner feel any better.

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Try saying these helpful things to a widow or widower instead:

1. What happened?

  • Ask what happened then actually listen to their reply. Widows and widowers need and want to be listened to. The most loving thing you can do for them is to listen to them without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them

2. I don’t know what to say

  • It’s okay to tell the truth if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you are a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.

3. I can’t image how you feel 

  • No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels. At best you only how you felt when your loss occurred.

 

If you found this article helpful information, we suggest you read these from our Grief Blog:

The Death of a Spouse

Death of a long term spouse; legacy of love or monument to misery

 

Have you experienced some of these comments following the loss of your spouse? Are there any comments that you would like to add that you found to be hurtful or helpful?

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

Alison

Mon, 10/01/2018 - 11:42pm

Thank you for saying this. All this talk about God's plan and prayer and heaven assumes that everyone believes in that. I take no comfort in telling me that God wanted my husband to lose his life at 43. None at all.

Prabha Kumar

Sun, 05/14/2017 - 11:28pm
Very true Allison-14 Things You Should (and Should Not) Say to Widows and Widowers

My husband passed away in split seconds... all the 11 points all have been telling me... when I really wanted someone to hear me or speak or to just put my head on lap and hear three little words " I am there"....

In fact I vacated my flat and went away far off... as I learnt hard way my cries only I can hear , my pain only I can sense no one think or not feasible as the depth of pain can't be measured....or erased.... lifelong .... it is not like what they say he was my past.... I should see my tomorrow...

Initially I used to tell or share but in a couple of days they wanted me to come out of it and the dialogue was I have to accept the reality... and live...else I will need to go for treatment!!!

No way easy 25 years lived around him ....was taught from childhood to be dependant...and one fine day...left to face the world alone and to learn live without him... In fact two years but still I get a feel I am a sinner with his passing away I have no life...I am fighting hard within myself and saying that now I have to live for myself, do what I want , explore the beautiful world alone and ignore all the worldly talk.... as no one understood or really was with me even for a single day.... when I cried all alone in the four walls....
Every fall in life has taught me a lesson...and this was biggest blow and fall of my life...I will surely swim across all alone.... it could have been fast if I had someone to hear or understand me..... tough lessons are learnt hard way and I will !!

Amy Long

Thu, 05/25/2017 - 4:54am
I find myself lost and not wanting someone to fix me, that's God's job but if God brings you to me then you need to care to listen to me share with you even if I am crying my eyes out.....THE CRYING HELPS, YES IT HELPS, every time I cry people make me feel like they need to cork my tears, stop the flow, I have not allowed myself to fully let go and it will hit me hard soon.... I got close 3 times now but they are scared of my tears.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 05/27/2017 - 12:10pm
Amy - One of the biggest problems faced by any griever are those that try to "fix" them. There is certainly no way to fix the situation by turning back time before the loss ever happened, and there is no way to fix it and make the loss go away. In truth, grievers are not broken and don't need to be fixed. They need to be listened to without analysis, criticism or judgment! Being told to put a "cork in it" just keeps those feelings churning inside.

Please look to see if there is a Griever Recovery Method support Group in your area (https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support). What makes these groups different is that they do not "support you" in living with the emotional pain forever, but rather offer step by step assistance in dealing with that pain, and all of the "unfinished business" in your relationship. It is the unfinished "stuff" to gets in the way of you enjoying your fond memories. This work is in no way designed to supplant the value of your faith. This programs deals with grief as an emotion, which is exactly what it is! These groups provide a safe place to shed your tears while offering actions that you can take to better move through your grief. My thoughts are with you!

Lynette Marion

Sat, 05/27/2017 - 1:18pm
I am finding that 10 + months after my husband's death in July '16, people for the most part, think that I am "over it" and have figured I am "OK now". No - I am not, and probably never will be. When asked "how are you doing?" I tell them honestly "I am still devastated, and miss him terribly".. Not going to sugar coat my grief to make them feel better. The subject of death is a difficult one to be sure. Women who still have their husbands probably feel like I'm a pariah, and look at me - like "this will be me sooner or later" Yes - it will be - because one of you will go first, and because most women outlive men, they can count on the accuracy of the statistics. Of course it still hurts to see happy couples enjoying each other - like my husband & I used to. Our spouses were taken away - either abruptly like mine, or by inches & months & days , battling an incurable disease, and still you are not prepared. Half of yourself has been cut away, the two hearts that were merged into 1 heart, is still expected to beat when it was severed in half again. So many things left undone, no more dreams fulfilled, nothing to look forward to when your world is grey & colorless. No more hand clasp in bed before you fall asleep, no more sharing the laughter of the private jokes, and intimate times. Still being able to remember that mole on his back, or the tiny scar from cutting his finger while building me that table, his beautiful steel grey hair, his crooked smile, eye corners crinkling up while laughing, his look of a little kid when he made me a romantic card on the computer, just waiting to see my reaction....Those tortoiseshell eyeglass frames he picked out - he just loved those glasses - only wore them for a few weeks. Now they are in that plastic bag along with his wedding ring that the ICU nurse handed me while he was still hooked up to the machines. All those vivid memories swirling around in my head, all his stuff still here - yet the hard truth keeps thudding on my heart that his beloved body is now ashes in a military cemetery. All snatched away forever, and yet we're still supposed to pick ourselves up & go on without the most important person ever, in our lives. We will never be the same, nor could we ever be. I appreciate friends who just listen, and let me talk about him, and don't try & change the subject, or indicate "enough - MOVE ON already". Yes - I have to move on - move away from the life I cherished with my soul mate & husband, but it will not be easy, or quickly over.

Lynette Marion

Tue, 05/30/2017 - 8:29am
When I lost my husband in July 2016, it took a while to get back to get back to normal activities, and over a month to go back to church. I just couldn't handle "people". No - I guess it was more like seeing happy couples. Will never forget my first Sunday back, and after service, I bit the bullet & walked up to several of our couple friends from our home Bible study group. I'm sure we all know "the looks" - the different expressions people wear as "the widow" approaches. It's very uncomfortable on so many levels. Anyway - one lady was all smiles, and she said "Oh - he's having a blast up there - hahahaha!!!" several others jumped on that bandwagon, saying he was having a grand old time. I couldn't believe it - but I guess it was easy for her to say that, with her husband standing beside her. And most of the group was all smiles as well. Almost like "Oh - nice to see you - where've ya been?" I just wanted to turn around & run away & hide. I wanted to say - 'yeah but what me down here with my broken bloody roadkill heart?" Of course you want to believe the dearly departed is "Up there" & no longer in pain, etc., but - a little compassion for the griever would have been nice. When I think of that - I just cringe - but - have to realize - they'd all be feeling a lot different, if it was their spouse "Having a ball up there", and they were still 'down here'...

Rachel Dee

Tue, 06/20/2017 - 12:17pm
I beg you, please take that horrible question, "What happened?" off your list. Widows and widowers will share on their own if we want to, and I NEVER want people prying into my personal life with my husband. If you don't know already, you are not close enough with me to EVER ask that question. I hate when people ask this, and instantly it makes me feel horrible, and upset.

Graham Dibdin

Wed, 06/21/2017 - 5:47pm
Hi Ian, I'm in exactly the same scenario. My friend died a couple of weeks ago (from cancer) and the funeral was last Friday. My friend was very popular, but I've been a close friend for almost 50 years since we were kids and neighbours. I really feel for his wife and teenage and older kids, and i want to support them at this time, but I know that it's essential that if I give support that it's the right kind of support at the right time. I'm happily married to a wonderful woman. If you've been provided any answers to your predicament, please pass them on to me.

Kasi

Sat, 06/24/2017 - 5:07am
I 100% agree. When people ask me how my husband died, it makes me relive it over and over again and I don't like discussing it as it is personal. Otherwise, great article. Thank you :)

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 06/24/2017 - 3:12pm
Lynette - I really understand what you are talking about. When my father died, I had any number of people who said similar things to me. They were talking to my head, rather than addressing the pain in my heart. Most people never really learn how to help someone with that kind of pain. It makes them uncomfortable, so they tend to make light of it instead of just sitting down with you and listening to the depth of the impact it has had on you. They mean well, but that really doesn't help. I found that the first few chapters of "The Grief Recovery Handbook" really addressed this and made a difference for me. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this!

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 06/24/2017 - 3:23pm
Rachel - The reason that we suggest asking this question, especially in those first few days after a loss, is based on a study that we conducted. We found that 98% of grievers want to tell people what happened and how it impacted them. That also means that 2% of people did not feel this way, which is exactly your situation. Sometimes it is how they ask the question that can be the problem. If they ask it in a caring and compassionate way, it is a very different question than if they ask it in a way that just seems nosey. The problem for those who wish to retell their story is that the vast majority of people never ask them, which is why we suggest this question. I am very sorry that our suggestion of asking this upset you. Please know we recommend asking this simply to encourage grievers to be able to be heard in want they wish to share, and for no other reason.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 06/24/2017 - 3:40pm
Graham - I know you addressed your question to Ian, but as someone who has spent over 30 years working with grievers, I wanted to reach out and offer you some thoughts. During the first week or two after a death, a widow is generally surrounded by a lot of people offering support. After that, those numbers dwindle quickly. Being there to support both her and the children as time continues to pass is where you can really make a difference. Do not be afraid to share fond stories and memories with them about your friend. People often think that it is painful for the family to hear the name of their loved one mentioned, but it is actually far more painful when they think that their loved one has been forgotten! Let them know that you are available to just listen, without analysis, criticism or judgment. All to often, when a griever wants to share a memory and it becomes emotional, people offer suggestions on why that person should not feel sad. No matter what is said, it does not "fix" the problem, but rather often just makes the griever stuff their feelings inside, rather than sharing them. You might purchase a copy of "When Children Grieve," read it and then share it with your friend's widow. It might prove very helpful for her in helping the teenage children through this process. I hope these suggestions help.

Rusty Theis

Thu, 06/29/2017 - 9:24pm
Lost My Lucy to Pancreatic Cancer Married 25 Years.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Mon, 07/03/2017 - 1:35pm
Rusty - My heart goes out to you! I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Please check to see if there is a Grief Recovery Specialist in your area to help you in dealing with your emotional pain.

Charles

Sun, 07/30/2017 - 9:06pm
Lynette, I am very sorry for your loss. While there is no way for me to know how you feel, i believe you are right about those who say they know how you feel. While they may be well meaning, I find them to be rude. I have always just said thanks, and found some reason to immediately walk away from them. I have also felt that people expected grief to end after certain periods of time. At best it is annoying. My only thoughts to share are really just like relationships are very unique and different, so is grief. What helps me may not help you, and vise versa. For me it's been over a year. That time period, just like my feelings are only relevant to me. And your time period and feelings are only known truly by you. I would just like to offer encouragement. Encouragement for the next hour and next day, and then the next week. The future has not been written yet. I pray God guides me with his peace, and I pray the same for you.

Joven

Sat, 08/26/2017 - 7:10pm
I am sorry for the loss that was experienced by everyone who has posted to this site! I too loss my husband - last month (7/17). It has been extremely difficult - but I am pushing through. We had no children together- but our kids are all grown, he was retired and his illness was sudden and he was gone in a week. His family was very estranged and my family live across the county so I am alone with my grief. We were married 7 years together 8. What bothers me the most is our "friends". Death will bring out the worst and best of people. About four month's before my husband passed away, one of his closest of new friend's he met about three years ago in our new town gave him a riding tractor he was planning to junk because it didn't work. My husband took it , put a little money into it and re-built it. We cancelled our landscaping services and used the tractor. It was about about three days YES 3 days after my husband died and his "friend" asked for the tractor back- adding he would buy it! The subject came up because they were at the house shortly after he had passed and I mentioned I needed to have the landscaper cut our lawn before the funeral. I wasn't going to cut grass during this time. I was so disgusted and pissed by this offer to buy that he made that I told him to come and get it the following day- that my late husband wouldn't charge him for it back. -and he did. Another friend who is also a neighbor stopped by our house and as we walked around our property he commented about how he remembered how the previous deceased homeowner -who was one of the neighbors best friends -used to clean fish in our backyard's cleaning station when the previous owner owned the home. I told him "Well my late husband cleaned fish here! "I was offended that he made that comment - especially since I have never known hime to even mention his late friend to us the whole six years he has been our neighbor. Then one of my closest and dearest friends doesn't realize I am aware she no longer speaks to me because I would not accompany her to a performance two days after my husband's funeral - at a hall that he and I always went to. And lastly, a person who I called a friend took pictures of my husband's service without my permission and had the NERVE to text me the pics! I don't know if I am just hypersensitive or if these people are just insensitive? And I have been made to feel so uncomfortable to talk about my husband that they all "adored" so much, that I make an effort not to even bring up his name in conversation. This is hard because we did almost everything together - from grocery shopping to sharing house work. I miss him and love him and he lives through my memory. I am tired of hearing, oh you will get over it in time or you will move on..yada yada. I really don't care to hear what I assume will eventually happen. I just get to the point when people call I just say Oh! I am doing great or pretty good- when I feel like I am dying inside.

Debbe Makowski

Wed, 09/13/2017 - 9:04am
My husband was 50, never sick and his parents lived till nineties. He did not drink smoke or do drugs. In January 2008 he thought he was having an appendix attack turned out to be pancreatic cancer. Died nine months later. So here so am nine years later. What purpose is there to life when everything you do is alone? Zero

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Thu, 09/21/2017 - 2:37pm
Debbe - I understand that the value of everything can change with the death of someone you love. Life certainly will not be the same without him, but that does not mean that cannot find new things to live for. If nothing else, within you are all the memories that made him special that you can share with others. Taking action with the Grief Recovery Method can free you from the emotional pain of his loss, and make it possible for you to be able to face this future, which is far different than the one you had planned together. It is about saying "goodbye" to the things you might have wished had been different, better or more in that relationship, so that you can enjoy your fond memories and share them with others without the tears that you may now be experiencing.

Greg

Wed, 09/27/2017 - 10:10am
It's heartbreaking to read yours and the others on here retelling of the passing of their husbands in their sleep. It sounds like it happens all too often. Tragically my best friend just passed several weeks ago and from all I know right now it was the exact same thing. Passed unexpectedly in his sleep, way too young, left behind a wife and three young beautiful kids. I don't want to ask her how, I don't want to say anything like "how are you feeling or doing?" because I know that's a stupid question. Obviously she is not feeling well or doing well...she just lost her husband. As his best friend I am crushed, so I can't even begin fathom how she feels. All I can do is tell her that I send my love and support to her and the family and that am here for them if they need anything. Anything at all.

Selina John

Fri, 10/06/2017 - 2:47am
I have tried many spell casters without results, and I was about to give up entirely until I read a lot of reviews about Dr Zunga. I must admit that I was very hesitant. However, after casting his spells I noticed results with my fiancé that I didn't receive from any other practitioner. Customer service was great and most importantly, I saw results. http://tinyurl.com/ybddvv8k

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Sat, 10/07/2017 - 7:20pm
Selina - I believe you are posting to the wrong website! Our focus is in taking Grief Recovery Action and has absolutely nothing to do with casting spells!

Saoud

Wed, 11/01/2017 - 4:12pm
my girlfriend got forced to marry another guy, my mother got a call from her elder sister , she told her that sara is in london now , after the engagment she started to forget stuff , and writing random letters to other people , i asked if i can see her , they refused , i just want her to be better #prayforsara

Glenda Allen

Wed, 11/01/2017 - 4:47pm
My husband passed on 9/26/17 - unexpected still don’t have an official reason. I don’t hold back tears for anybody. They are a release for the physical, mental and emotional pain that I am dealing with every minute of everyday. If that makes people
Uncomfortable then that’s their problem, not yours. My psychiatrist told me that the loss of a spouse is usually the worst one to deal with because it’s not just your spouse. Many times it’s your best friend, your partner, your mate. It’s the person that you chose to tie your life to and to build a life with. My humble opinion, but the longer you hold those tears back the worse it’s going to be. You have to grieve. And if people can’t deal with it then they can leave you alone. I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope that you are able to find some peace.

dave

Wed, 11/08/2017 - 7:26pm
I am reading this post of grievers...looking for answers. Your voice and tone and affect resonating with mine. we are social pariah- the only worse would be loss of child. Its funny how "self" dreams are only brought to life when shared with "other"...perhaps what I miss the most...

Desiree Siegfried

Thu, 11/09/2017 - 6:58am
I know this is late but thank you for the statement "he died from this life" mine did too. That is going to be my new answer to how did he die so young(43)

Tanya

Sun, 12/31/2017 - 11:01pm
I lost my husband on November 28th. We were married for 25 years, but could not have children. We did everything together. He died unexpectedly, and I am still in shock. I don't feel as if I have been able to grieve properly. We were both only children, so there are no brothers, sisters, nieces, or nephews. I feel so completely alone. Many days I don't feel as if I can get out of bed. We have a cat and a dog, and I focus on meeting their needs. My husband's parents are still living, and I speak to them or see them everyday. I do not know how to navigate through this. I have caring friends who are supporting me, but I still feel so alone. I miss him terribly. Reading everyone's posts have been so helpful to me. Thank you.

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Wed, 01/03/2018 - 3:04pm
Tanya - Please know that my thoughts are with you. You might check out: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/grief-support to see if there is a grief recovery specialist offering one on one or groups in your area. Given you circumstances, it is easy to see why you feel so isolated in dealing with the loss of your husband. I honestly think that "The Grief Recovery Handbook" could help you navigate through your emotional pain. Some of the elements of the book are touched on by the e-book that you can like to in the above article. Please know that there are people out there thinking about you. Steve

Suzanne Steffy

Mon, 01/22/2018 - 6:44pm
Perhaps "what happened" could be rephrased "would you like to talk about what happened?"

stephen moeller, grief recovery specialist

Tue, 01/23/2018 - 12:28pm
Suzanne - That is a great way to handle it, while still giving the griever a chance to share their feelings!PREMIER VIERZON

Janie bona

Sat, 02/03/2018 - 3:52am
I lost my husband of 47 years a month ago. I am devastated. I miss him s much it hurts and don’t know how to go on living without him. I loved him so much. Our only child in his 40’s is not doing well either. One thing I don’t see here is that, as you are dealing with these tremendous losses, no one has mentioned how many are having to deal with crushing financial problems at the same time. I HAVE to deal with them at a time I’m really in no shape to. I may have to declare bankruptcy and we were not people who lived beyond our means.
It’s so hard. Only a month.

Michele

Sun, 08/18/2019 - 5:38pm

I just lost my husband on 6/29. We were together for 27 years, married 12. I have a hard time with one of his sisters. She calls me when she is having a bad day to tell me she is having a bad day and how much she misses her brother. This sister did very little to help when her brother was ill. She always had excuses as to why she couldn't help. I want to tell her listen honey no one misses your brother more than me. No one has more bad days than me. Please don't come to me looking for sympathy because you aren't going to get it. I am getting to the point that I don't want to talk to her any more. I love my sister in law, but I can't deal with her any more.

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